For those of you who don’t already know, I live in a theatrical family. Not only do I hold a Bachelor’s in Theatre Arts, but my husband has an MFA in Acting and Directing and directs five shows a year. My daughter plans to major in Theatre Arts in the fall as she starts college (THAT apple didn’t fall far from the tree!). The only one in the house who isn’t “into” theatre is my 16-year-old son who is in his rebellion phase and wants nothing to do with activities his parents enjoy.

This weekend, my husband’s production of Little Shop of Horrors went up; my daughter choreographed and is stage managing it. My son actually went to his obligatory one performance and has asked if he could go a second time because he really enjoyed this one (wonders never cease!). Me? I go to every performance and hold down the fort while trying to keep everyone fed in between writing very hot sex scenes for my newest book.

Little Shop of Horrors began life as a Roger Corman film (1960) with a very young Jack Nicholson in the role of Wilbur Force, the masochistic patient of sadistic dentist Orin Scrivello. When Howard Ashman and Alen Menken rewrote the film as a musical in 1982, it opened off Broadway without that character, but keeping the pain-loving dentist. And when the musical was turned into a movie, another famous face, Steve Martin, made Orin’s sadistic streak famous.

I sat and watched another talented performer play the part these past few nights and let me tell you, Orin is a downright mean, nasty and abusive brute of a man. As he hollered at Audrey (the heroine) and pushed her around, I’m afraid I lost a bit of the comedy. Not because of the acting or the directing, but because of what I write.

You see, I write erotic romance with very strong BDSM themes with a heavy concentration on male Dominance and female submission. And as I watched, I saw a character who crossed the very thin line that separates BDSM activities from those of abusive ones. The jokes about the handcuffs and bruises were cute, until he raised a hand to her and called her a slut in front of other characters on the stage. At that point I stopped smiling and instead, wanted to punch the guy’s lights out. And I know I wasn’t alone.

While I laughed at some of the antics of Orin Scrivello, DDS, there was also a part of me cringing to see the stereotype once more reinforced: all Masters are bastards and all women who submit are dishrags with no self esteem. But in reality, that’s not BDSM, that’s abuse. Unfortunately, too many in the audience will never know the difference. And that’s where this blog post comes in.

As a writer of BDSM erotic romance, I have a duty – a responsibility –to remind people of the line between consensual activities and abuse. The mantra of “Safe, Sane and Consensual” is a good one, although communication is needed to determine the definitions of those terms. “Safe” is pretty easy, but depending on the level of expertise, something one Dom can do with ease, another would be dangerous trying. “Sane” is a word like “normal.” Who defines it? What is insane to one couple is very sane to another. Probably the only word of the three most people can agree on is “consensual.” If both parties agree to it and no force is used in the agreeing, then what they do is their business and no one else’s. Theoretically, anyway.

The problem is, the line is in a different place for each couple. What one man and woman not only tolerate but expect from each other, is very different from what another couple will accept. And that’s why communication is so incredibly important in all BDSM activities. Communication before the scene (so both parties have an idea where the limits are), communication during the scene (you’ll notice my characters often use the traffic signal as a way for the sub to let the Dom know what’s going on in her head; see note 1 below), and communication after the scene (what did both of them enjoy…what will they never do again?).

The language used by those participating in BDSM activities also helps to set the boundaries. “The term "play" is used along with another word to describe the sexual act with all the trimmings: a "scene." Both these terms, derived from the theatre, denote a setting-apart...a definite movement of the action out of real life and into a realm of fantasy” (see note 2). So communication and knowing the vocabulary are vital to keeping the action honest…and not crossing the line into abuse.

If you suspect you’re in an abusive relationship, GET OUT. Stay with a friend, go to a women’s shelter or better yet, pay a visit to your friendly neighborhood police station. But do NOT stay. Abuse and BDSM are not synonymous. The key word, consensual, is missing from an abusive situation. If you don’t like what he is doing, tell him. And if he becomes violent or doesn’t listen, LEAVE. And if you’re afraid of him…then that’s a dead ringer for an abusive situation and again, tell the grocery clerk or the movie usher…tell someone and have them help you get away until the police can be called.

The mainstream media feeds on lurid tales of BDSM activities gone awry or involving celebrities. But the reality is far more mundane. Lifestylers keep their activities quiet lest they be seen as abusers and prey; those truly abused often stay in their relationships far longer than they should.

And Little Shop of Horrors will go on entertaining audiences…and I will go on cringing every time Orin Scrivello, DDS takes the stage….

Play safe!
Diana


(NOTE 1 on the traffic signals: “Green” means “keep on what you’re doing,” “yellow” means “hand on, I need to pause the scene for a moment,” and “red” means “stop right now, don’t go one iota further and get me the heck out of these ropes!” Use them in good health!)
(NOTE 2: Yes, I'm quoting myself. Took that sentence from a previous blog post on my own blog. Scroll to second post of that week. Seemed to sum up what I wanted to say here, too!)

Do You Really Do What You Write About?

I love Cafe Press. There are so many goodies there. I'm on their mailing list, so when I received an email a couple of weeks ago for Garfield T-shirts, I had to take a peek. One click led to another (as is often the case with me on the Internet) and I typed in a search for "writing." Wow. Do you know how many T-shirts CP has with neat writing sayings on them? One in particular caught my eye: "My wife writes romance novels. I benefit. Big time."

It's cute. I chuckled when I read it. Then I thought about how people treat me when they find out I write erotic romance. Suddenly, I've become Dr. Ruth. I have to know everything about sex since I write about it. Surely I couldn't write about something if I've never experienced it.

Yes, I can.

It's called research. Imagination. Reading what interests me. Learning from some of my favorite authors. I haven't called two male friends and taken them to bed so I could describe a menage correctly. (Although that might be fun...)

Most of the erotic romance authors I know are in a committed relationship with their own personal hero. They've been married for years. A menage is in their minds, not their beds.

I'm amazed at how many people believe we writers actually DO all the stuff we write about. Thriller and mystery writers don't find dead bodies buried in their backyards. Horror writers don't slash people's throats or stab them twenty-seven times. Paranormal writers don't hang around with vampires and werewolves.

We lose ourselves in our stories the same way you do. We create characters we hope you'll love as much as we do. Most of our adventures are created in front of our computers, not in the bedroom.

If I ever do find those two male friends to help with my research, I'll let you know...

Lynn

Kill Your Television

There are bumper stickers that exist with the wise words “Kill Your Television”. While I might agree in theory, I suck at it in practice.

Now, I don't watch a lot of TV. I know lots of people say that, usually trying to sound sophisticated and intellectual. Me? I really “try” not to watch a lot of TV. Couple of reasons...one, it takes away time when I should be writing. Two, because I can't do two things at once. If the TV is on, I'm watching it. Can't carry on a conversation, can't write, can barely knit because I can’t count stitches and watch at the same time. I'm fascinated by moving pictures and sound.

But those aren’t the real reasons I limit my television viewing.

Mainly I don't watch TV because I get sucked in. Really sucked in. Even though I know these people aren't real (and even in reality TV, we know they aren't real), I worry about them. It's like characters in a book. I get so wrapped up in these characters that I get stressed when something bad happens to them. I had to stop watching soap operas because I got so upset that there was never a happy ending for my favorite characters. (Anyone remember “Passions”? Used to wake up worried about these people. Arrgh.)

My current TV addiction is whatever (and I mean whatever) is on Bravo from 9-10 CT on Wednesday night. It rotates from Project Runway to Top Chef to (currently) Shear Genius (which if you couldn’t guess from the catchy title is a reality show about hair stylists). Yes, I was actually distressed that I’d missed the first episode of Shear Genius. Don’t worry, it’s been repeated so I’m back up to speed.

How weird is this? I'm intelligent. I’m educated. I have “real” friends (as opposed to our TV Friends we visit with sometimes). Why am I so fascinated by the encapsulated lives of people who cut hair for a living? I don't get it, I’m not proud of it, but still, you'll find my ass on the couch every Wednesday night.

It’s embarrassing (somehow an addiction to crack seems less mortifying) and I’m going to change my ways. Really.

But ooh, Project Runway Season 5 starts up in July. Can’t wait!

That Special Person In My Life

I am a writer of the sometimes sweet and sometimes erotic romance. No matter the genre, let’s not forget that there is always an alpha male present, whether hard-nosed and overbearing or one who hides his sensitive side. As a reader of romance I expect the “happily ever after” all due to the devilishly handsome hero. I mean, if it weren’t for those muscle-bound, heart throbbing, turn-me-to-putty walking orgasms with a great tush, reading romance just wouldn’t cut it.

So, it’s a little bit crazy that what I wanted to shed some insight on how I feel about a particular woman in my life, one of those special ladies who always give me my ‘happily ever after’ no matter what the situation. I’m so extremely fortunate to have my mom. Being fifty-two years old, I couldn’t have imagined myself getting to this point without her. I have shared laughter with her—laughter that makes the muscles of your face hurt. I have shared tears of sorrow so devastating that I never thought I would get to my feet again. But I did and it was because of her undying faith in me no matter what.

My mom.

Maybe this dialogue should have been posted on Mother’s Day, a day more fitting since I am speaking from my heart about her, but on that day I was preparing my mom’s favorite meal because you see, she was kind of down and out. Only three weeks earlier she’d had surgery, the very first time she’d ever been in a hospital (at the age of 72 mind you) other than when she gave birth to myself and my sisters.

Mom had a bad winter. Her energy was gone—this from the woman who always laughed and told me I better kick myself in the butt and try to keep up to her. She used to literally run circles around me with her enthusiasm for life, her efforts to ‘catch the dust’ coming in the door so those damn particles wouldn’t land on her end tables, and the fact that she had numerous tasks to do in a day.

I remember how upset I was with the fact that suddenly my mom slowed down just before Christmas. What? No way. She was the one who always lit the fire under me. I remember her words, laced with a slight bit of unease that she just didn’t feel right, that something was wrong. Trips to the doctor. Tests. Questions asked to medical professionals that weren’t being answered. More tests. My mothers seemingly losing her quick wit along with her zest for each waking moment. And then finally when mom was beginnning to think she was losing her mind, a simple standard test that we all should take seriously, and it came back suspicious.

And I remember the bolt of pure panic that seared my insides when she came out of surgery and the doctor sat us down. Stage III colon cancer. I wasn’t ready for this. Why? Because up to that terrifying moment I’d never really ever faced the possibility of life without mom. An ignorant and immature emotion for sure, (especially at my age) because this was the woman who was ALWAYS there for me with her words of encouragement, her sense of extreme pride in anything I’d accomplished in my life, her wonderful laugh and her even funnier sense of humor. The shopping trips, the special holiday treats she always created, the sly winks when she knew she had one up on my dad. Suddenly I wondered if I’d always taken those things for granted. She is the mother that everyone should have because she not only played the parental role with wonderful finesse, but at sometime during my life she stepped into the ‘best friend mode’ and I know I couldn’t have been any luckier than I was to have her there.

The eight days following her surgery were a blur as she recuperated in the hospital. Man that was tough. She’d always been such a go-getter and now I visited with this woman who looked old beyond her years. And it wasn’t just worrying about her. My father (who slept on a cot beside her bed every night during her hospital convalescence) also looked twenty years older. And suddenly the natural role of parent-taking-care-of-child was reversed. My sisters and I were suddenly the caretakers—mentally and phyically. And we happily stepped into those positions because it was time for us to give back for all the wonderful parenting we’d received our entire lives.

We’ve all been there. We’ve all experienced how shock throws us into a state of disbelief because don’t bad things only happen to other people? But then you pull yourself up by the bootstraps and though you’ve always blatantly stated how thankful you are for the things in your life, those issued statements dig into your brain, take root and you realize just how cherished each and every minute of the day is.

The doctors are being quietly optimistic for her recovery. Mom is handling chemo like a champ. It’s still going to be a long haul to the end of this year though. She’s got lots of treatments yet to undergo but she tells me she’s going to be around next year to haunt me in person. Ah, that humor of hers nearly brings me to tears because even though it’s back, I now find myself quietly storing everything mom says in a special place inside me. Vibrant pictures of her as she goes about her days with an aplomb I knew she possessed are inscribed inside my brain. We’ve exchanged so many special thoughts over the last few months. Some are echos of past conversations through the years, but most are more cherished reiterations of laughter and love we’ve shared. Oh, and I’m now experiencing her finger pointing at me because I haven’t been writing. She’s pissed because she knows I’ve shelved my stories for a bit and she doesn’t want to be the reason. She just told me the other day to get back on the horse and GET BUSY! Guess I better listen or she said she’d give me a spanking. I told her me being fifty-two years old, her brand of spanking wasn’t the kind I needed. We laughed our asses off.

So Mom, I just wanted you to know that even though I haven’t received that spanking yet, I’m writing about it. LOL. And yes, I promise not to let Dad know.
I love you. It’s nice to know you’re always watching my back. I think I’m the luckiest daughter in the world.

Caging the Muse

Caging the Muse

Ever wonder where ideas for novels come from?
I do all the time. At different events I've attended, I've been asked
How did you come up with that idea for your book? I simply shrug and
say "The voices in my head told me to write it." How else can it be
explained?

I think there'd be less insane people in this world if they'd just
write down what the voices tell them to do rather than act upon them.
That's what I do :)

But there are times when the charaters stop talking and no amount of
wine can loosen their lips. What do you do then? I'd like to hear your
ideas on how to kick start the creativity.

Me- I clean house. My husband loves it when the voices stop...the
houswork gets done. Sometimes this doesn't work and it can be days
before the juices are flowing again (since I write erotic, that's a bad
thing---can't have dry scenes)LOL.

Looking forward to hearing everyone's ideas on how to cage the muse and
kick start it's elusive butt.

Tara Nina

Authors and Their Work Habits

A couple of years ago, I interviewed a dozen award-winning romance authors about their work habits when writing. This was used to create an article for an RWA presentation at my local Minnesota RWA chapter, Midwest Fiction Writers.

They were candid about what worked for them and what doesn’t—and most of all, they happily shared what they thought were the most important things a new writer should know in order to succeed in the writing business.

I asked if they wrote an outline or synopsis before they started work on their stories. Here is what they said--most of the authors didn’t like writing an outline or synopsis. When they did write one, it was because they needed to sell their story or because someone like an editor made them do it. Most were only able to give an accurate synopsis if they wrote it after the final draft. If the synopsis was written before the story, very often it had only a vague resemblance to the final product. The few authors who did stay fairly close to the synopsis were those whose story relied heavily on research or had complex plots. Even then deviations occurred on minor levels.

One thing I wondered about was how easy it was for them to write the first draft verses revisions. The response was all over the board. Most authors tended to write and revise as they went along but many said that the first draft was the hardest to write and that revisions were much easier. A few found the first draft very easy but struggled with revisions.

The coolest responses though were the ones to my question, "What advice would you like to share with new writers?"

Below were their responses:

Michele Hauf - Write. Always.

Judy Mays - Never, never, never quit no matter how down you get.

Helen Brenna - It's all about perseverance.

Margaret L. Carter - Read widely, both inside and outside your chosen genre. Find a reliable critique group or partner to comment on your work. Never give up.

Jade Taylor - Read the books you're trying to write. You can't compare them with your own until you do. Your writing must progress. Don't do book planning and research for six months. Give it a few weeks then get busy with the story. Every day needs to be about how far you've come on your journey.

Tracy Cooper-Posey - Don’t get hung up on which commas go where. Get the story written. In the early stages, story is more important than getting the grammar right. And getting the first manuscript written, anyway you can, is more important than obsessing about if the story suits this market or that market. Think Nike, if you must.

Sally Painter - There are a lot of well-intentioned people who have inadvertently derailed good writers. It requires strength and a belief in self to stand up to to these people and decide to write your book your way. I think it is a kind of rite of passage in the learning process. So my advice is to trust your voice, your vision and don't write someone else's vision of you.

Heather Holland - The best advice anyone can give or get is to just WRITE. If you sit and think about writing, you’re a wannabe, if you sit down and WRITE, you are a writer. The more you write, the better you’ll get. Write a little everyday be it a paragraph or a whole chapter. Any progress is better than none, and above all else, just keep trying. Rejections are a part of the business, but if writing is really what you want to do, you can’t give up. Just keep plugging away at that keyboard, getting your words down, and keep submitting. Support from the family and friends are also very important. There’s been a few times where I’ve thought about just throwing in the towel, and my husband picked me up, dusted me off, and told me that I’d better not. Not only would I have been miserable, but he knew he would have been, too. Writing is a passion and it’s too strong to ignore. So, put those fingers to the keyboard, that pen or pencil to the paper and let those words fly.

Karen McCullough - Persistence, persistence, persistence. Keep writing even when the story doesn't seem to be flowing, even if every sentence you write seems like drivel to you. Give yourself permission to write crap. Bad writing can be fixed. Then keep writing and submitting when the rejections start to come back. It's all about persistence and refusing to give in to all the negative stuff.

Cait London - Get a regimen and stick with it. I talk a lot about this--scheduling, working with a growing family, making that space. Here are my three best tips:
1. Make time for writing, DON'T find it. That says you are assertively/actively preparing to work, not just wondering around hoping to "find" time. Block out at least 2 consecutive hours and hold that schedule.
2. The first time you think, "I don't feel like writing," sit your bottom down and write something, even if it's dreck.
3. Speaking of dreck: I've written columns on the importance of writing dreck and writing the clog. They serve their purpose, releasing the true story beneath, getting us in the creative mode, and they can always be corrected/edited later. *More Writers Tips at my first blog, Daily or Not, located at http://caitlondon.com/diary , including Using Fear as Motivation and what Solitaire Teaches Us. Two really good info-bits.

Shelley Munro - Read as much as you can, make a habit of writing every day even if it’s just a few hundred words. Although it might not be many words, over the course of the year they add up. And finally, make a habit of finishing writing the book. Writing lots of partials won’t help much when you need a full manuscript to have a chance at selling.

Allyson James and Jennifer Ashley - Keep going! Persistence is much, much more important than talent. Rejection means "we don't want this ms. RIGHT NOW," and has nothing to do with your talent or skills. It just means it doesn't match what the publisher think it can sell at that moment. Another editor might disagree.
Writers get published when an opportunity matches what ms. you have on hand. To increase your luck, research the market thoroughly, don't just believe what everyone says is the "trend," really research! There's more to it than "paranormal is hot" and "hot books are hot". Figure out WHY they are popular and how you can incorporate that into stories that will be sellable at any time. And then write, write, write! Don't get stuck thinking one book is your "masterpiece" and lavish all your attention on it. Finish it, send it out, move on to the next book.
As for writing methods: Find the way that works best for you and stick with it. Don't let anyone tell you you're wrong! There is no one "right" way to write. The editor is interested only in the finished product, not how you got there.

I appreciated very much the wisdom these authors imparted to me and it seems to me all of this still holds true years later as I continue writing. I'd love to hear from other authors what they've learned works for them and what advice they'd love to share.

Hugs and have a great Memorial Day weekend!

Cynthia

A Day late and a brain short. . .

I just got home from a trip to my sister's for the weekend. I went alone (without the husband and children) and had a great time, but boy am I paying for it. I'm not 20 anymore. . .

Saturday night my sister threw a huge retirement party for herself. There were close to a 100 people there and nearly that many cases of beer. The music was great, the company was fantastic, and I crawled into bed around 3 am.

Ten (okay, more like twenty) years ago, getting up to clean up the yard after four hours of sleep and far too much to drink would have been painful, but no big deal. Unfortunately, it's not twenty years ago and I'm a hurting unit. My legs and back ache from dancing all night, my head and stomach ache from drinking all night, and I'm so tired I need to prop my eyes open with toothpicks. The only thing that makes me feel better is to see my 20 year old niece hurting almost as badly. The fact that she'll recover in half the time it takes me still bites, but at least she wasn't going for a jog when it was all I could do to clean up the yard.

A part of me wonders if getting that stupid the night before is a waste. The other part of me had such a good time, I don't mind the waste. I suppose I should be more mature now that I'm in my thirties, and maybe act my age, but isn't age just a number? I had someone ask me if I was in college recently. When I told them my age and that I had three kids, they were very surprised. I'm a little afraid that if I start acting "mature" I will start looking more mature too.

I'd rather have the hangover.